Fic: The House Guest

[jess-d-10.livejournal.com]

Title: The House Guest
Author: jess_d_10
Fandom: Shelter
Rating: R
Pairing; Characters: Zach/Shaun; Gabe, Cody
Chapter: 9
Summary: Gabe needs help more than he ever has before, so Zach and Shaun step up to the plate.

Previous Chapters:

Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight

New Chapter:

Shaun

Shaun resisted the urge to tell the cab driver to put the pedal to the metal. He knew that they would be there in less than an hour, and that it would not be funny if he were to die in a fiery crash only a few miles from home. He was so excited to get there, though, his hands were shaking. He couldn’t believe that the month was finally over.

His excitement to get home was not to say that he had not just had one of the most incredible months of his life. A lot of it had been work, sure. At the end of most days, his voice hurt from speaking and reading aloud and his cheeks hurt from smiling. He had needed to schmooze people and put on a happy, professional face no matter how he was feeling, but he had also met some of the most interesting people he ever had in his life. He met giddy middle-aged women who told him they had read his book four times; he met college professors who wanted to talk about themes of suppression and secrecy in his novel; he met other authors that he admired who told him they liked his writing; and, perhaps most exciting of all, he had met countless men and women of all ages who told him that his book had inspired them to come out and live honest, open lives. Shaun knew that his first novel had gotten a decent readership and had been sold all over the U.S. and in several other countries across the world, but he never realized until doing this tour just how many lives he had touched by the words he had hammered out on his keyboard a few years ago. It made him look forward to the publication of his second novel. It also made him excited to go back home and start working on book number three. Ideas were already forming in his mind …

No thoughts of his next book, or his many fans, or of anything else were on his mind, though, as the taxi he was in rounded the corner onto the street where he lived with his family. He looked up at their apartment building, as if he had suddenly acquired x-ray vision and could see through the walls to the family waiting there to greet him. When the car pulled up to the curb, Shaun hastily paid the driver, grabbed his suitcase from the trunk, and hurried into the building. The elevator could not climb the floors quickly enough, and the hallway leading to the apartment door had never seemed so long. He thought his heart would beat out of his chest as he fumbled with his keys, unlocked the door, and was home at last. “Hello!” he called into the apartment.

Shaun heard a clatter from the kitchen, excited voices, and the scraping of chairs. Moments later, his son burst into the hallway and came scampering towards him, the biggest smile Shaun had ever seen on his face. Shaun grinned and knelt to the floor as Cody jumped into his arms, and they held each other tightly.

“You’re back! You’re back! You’re back!” Cody sang joyfully as he clung onto Shaun with all the strength in his little arms.

“I sure am, and I missed you sooooo much!”

“You’re back! You’re back! You’re back!” he continued to chant, and soon, a second voice had joined in. Shaun looked up from over Cody’s shoulder to see his love, his partner, his life standing there in front of him, grinning just as widely as their son. Shaun did not break eye-contact with Zach as he gave Cody one final squeeze, ruffled his hair, stood up, and took one step to close the distance between himself and the love of his life. They clung to each other tightly, and Shaun heard a hitch in Zach’s breath. He smoothed his hand down the back of Zach’s head and continued to hold him close, to try and let the fact sink in that they were finally together again, that they had survived the month apart, and they would not have to leave each other’s company any time soon.

Shaun suspected that they might not have ever let each other go if his brother had not joined the happy reunion in the hallway, and said, “Well, Cody, I guess it’s just you and me for dinner tonight, since these two lugs are obviously glued together permanently. More tacos for us!”

Cody let out a cheer at this, but he grabbed Shaun’s hand and started pulling him away. “Come on!”

Shaun laughed and broke the hug at last. He shook hands with his brother. “How’s it going, bro?”

Gabe grinned. “Better than ever, man. Better than ever.”

“Glad to hear it.”

They did indeed have tacos for dinner, and just when Shaun thought that his facial muscles had been completely exhausted from a month of near-constant smiling, he found that he couldn’t stop grinning for a moment that evening. Although he had spoken to his family almost every night he’d been away, Cody managed to find more news that he had not yet communicated over the phone, so he did most of the talking during the meal. Zach kept looking happily from Shaun to Cody, and Gabe seemed to be back to his usual self, being the clown, and making inappropriate jokes.

Later that night, after he and Zach had thoroughly exhausted themselves with vigorous reunion sex, Shaun let out a deep sigh of relief.
“God, it’s good to be home.”

Zach smiled at him. “It’s good to have you home.”

“See? The month just flew by, didn’t it?”

Zach rolled his eyes. “Maybe for you.”

Shaun took Zach’s hand and held it close to his chest. “Don’t worry, I missed you too.”

“I know.”

“So, how was it, really? Was it that bad?”

Zach shrugged and looked down at the bed. “Nah, it was fine. We managed, right?”

“Yeah, but that still doesn’t mean it didn’t suck.”

Zach looked at him. “OK, it sucked, and I missed you like crazy. But you were right: a month isn’t all that long.”

“And how did Cody hold up?” Zach had told him about the fight Cody got into at school, and how he had clearly been more upset than they had anticipated about Shaun’s temporary departure. They had already agreed that something would have to be done to help him deal with what he was feeling.

“He was better after the incident at school,” Zach said. “I mean, nothing like that happened again. He asked constantly when you’d be back, but he seemed to know that you would be coming back.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah, it is. I’m still worried about him, though.”

He sighed. “Me too. But let’s not worry about that now, OK? We’ll deal with it, but for now, let’s just be happy we’re back together.”

Zach smiled. “OK. I am feeling pretty happy right now.”

“Me too.” They looked at each other for a moment, just enjoying the chance to be so close again. “You know who else seems happy?”

Zach nodded. “Gabe.”

“Yeah. He’s a lot better, isn’t he?”

“For sure. I think he’s getting back to his old self. Or, at least, his old self, but a little wiser.” Zach chuckled.

“It’s because of the girl, isn’t it?”

Zach looked at him, his eyebrows furrowed. “I didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“Gabe and Sara broke up. They haven’t been together for over a week.”

Shaun frowned. “Are you serious? I thought it was going great between them.”

Zach shrugged. “So did I, but I guess not. Gabe just said there was no spark between them.”

“I thought he was finally going to get serious about someone for once.”

“I think he was serious about her. But hey, if he wasn’t feeling it, he wasn’t feeling it. He said that the break-up was a mutual decision.”

Shaun picked at a loose thread on the sheets. “That’s never the case. Someone always gets hurt in break-ups.”

“Well, I honestly don’t know all the details. If you want to know exactly what happened, you’ll have to talk to Gabe.”

So the next day, Shaun did just that. Cody and Zach were both at school, Gabe was home, and Shaun was taking the morning off. He lured his brother into the kitchen with the aromas of coffee and fried eggs, and asked him to have breakfast with him.
“So, how are you, bro?” Shaun asked as they sat at the dining room table together. “You seem like you’re good.”
Gabe grinned. “I am good. Things are going great.”

“So you still like the job?”

“Yeah, it’s amazing.”

“And school is going well?”

“It’s boring as hell, but my grades are good.”

“And what about the girlfriend?”

The cheerful smile disappeared quickly from Gabe’s face, and he lowered his eyes to the egg he was currently cutting on his plate. “Didn’t Zach tell you?”

“Yeah, actually, he did.”

Gabe looked back up at him. “So what? You want to give me a hard time about it?”

Shaun shook his head. “No, man, I don’t. This is not an attack. I’m just wondering what happened. I thought that you were really crazy about her.”

“I was,” Gabe said, “and in a way, I still am. She’s one of the coolest chicks I’ve ever met.”

“So what’s the deal?”

Gabe shrugged. “I don’t know, man, it just didn’t work out. We dated for a while, and it was OK, but it wasn’t … great. You know? It was like, nothing was wrong, but it didn’t quite feel right.”

Shaun nodded. He had been there. “Sure, I can dig it. But were you really sure? I mean, this was your first serious relationship, right? Those can tend to go through lulls sometimes.”

Gabe shook his head. “No, this wasn’t a lull. Look, I mean, you’re right: the relationship thing was totally new to me, but I still know what I was feeling. Sometimes, you just gotta trust your instincts, man.”

To Shaun’s mild surprise, he completely agreed with his brother. “Well, I hope she wasn’t too heartbroken.”

“She wasn’t, actually. We both felt the same way.”

“Really? Are you sure she wasn’t just acting like she felt the same way to hide how hurt she really was?”

Gabe shook his head. “Trust me, man, Sara isn’t the type to pretend what she’s feeling. She tells it like it is. When I told her we needed to talk, she already knew what it was about, and she agreed that things weren’t working out.”

“OK,” Shaun said, “I believe you. So you’re both living happily ever after without each other?”

Gabe shrugged and smiled a little. “I guess. I mean, to be honest, I’m a little heartbroken. I really wanted this whole deal to work out.”

Shaun gave his brother a gentle punch in the shoulder. “Well, don’t worry, Romeo. You’ll find a new one.”

Gabe laughed. “Yeah, thanks. I guess I won’t be saying those words to you ever again.”

“I should sure as hell hope not.”

“You and Zach, man, you guys are the real deal. You’re what everyone means when they talk about true love, happily ever after, and all that shit.”

“Yeah,” Shaun said, “but we’ve still got to work at it sometimes. I mean, we’ve got to be patient with each other; we have to try and be understanding with one another. And as for happily ever after? Well, finding the love of your life is incredible, but it isn’t everything. There’s more to life than being in love, and Zach and I deal with that every day, just like everybody else.”

“But being in love is the big one, right? I mean, that’s what everyone says: love’s more important than your job, your house, and everything else.”

“I think that it is, but that love doesn’t have to be romantic love. It just means family, and family can be your closest friends, or your parents, or your siblings, or whatever. Love is the big one, but I really don’t believe that you have to have romantic love to feel fulfilled and happy by your life. You remember my friend Damien?” Gabe nodded. “Well, he’s one of the happiest guys I know, and I don’t think he’s been in a relationship in seven years. But he’s got a big circle of friends he spends all his time with, he’s close to his parents, he has a job he loves, he travels a lot, he volunteers at a hospice … I mean, I can’t think of someone else who’s got a fuller life, and you can tell, he loves every second of it.”

“Do you think you could ever be like that? Be that happy without having a partner?”

Shaun hesitated before answering. He wanted to say yes, but as much as he admired Damien, he didn’t know if he could ever be like him. Relationships were hard work and all, but Shaun loved being in them. He never quite felt like himself when he was single. “I don’t know, man, maybe not. I guess I’m one of those weaklings who needs someone by his side to feel complete.”

Gabe smiled. “Well, then, I guess you’re lucky you’ve got Zach.”

Shaun grinned. “I think every day about how lucky I am to have Zach.”

The two brothers smiled at each other for a moment, before going back to their eggs and eating silently for a few beats. “My dad emailed me,” Gabe said suddenly.

Shaun looked up from his plate. “Really? What’d he say?”

“I guess I’m almost off the hook. I sent him my midterm grades, and they were good. He said if my final grades are as good, I’m back in. No more worries.” He grinned.

“Well, that’s great, man. So things’ll be back to normal again for you.”

Gabe nodded. “Yep.”

Shaun waited a beat before speaking again, because he didn’t want to sound pushy. “You know Gabe, in the past couple of months, you’ve seemed more together than I’ve ever seen you. I mean, you’ve always been a happy guy, but lately, you’ve just seemed so much more … with it. Like you’ve got your life on track and you’re glad about it.”

“Thanks, man. I think you’re right.”

Shaun nodded. “Why do you think that is? Because you obviously didn’t need Larry’s help to feel that way.”

Gabe rolled his eyes. “You’re saying I shouldn’t take his money. I know you’ve never been OK with doing that, but it’s never bothered me.”

“I know, I know, and I’m not trying to tell you what to do. It’s totally up to you. You might just want to think about the fact that since you’ve been living here, you may have had to work more than you ever have before, but somehow, you’ve come out of it a better man. Maybe there’s something to that.”

“Maybe,” Gabe said, “but look, Shaun, I’ll never make enough working at Swell/Snow/Sidewalk to be able to pay for rent and tuition and all my other expenses. Sorry to tell you, but I actually need Larry’s money.”

“Fair enough, but what if he didn’t pay for everything? What if he took care of your tuition, and you dealt with the rest?”

Shaun watched Gabe consider it. He didn’t like telling people what to do, but he wanted to give his brother good advice. He tried to give Gabe some idea of where he was coming from: “Gabe, when I left for college, I had next to nothing. Larry offered to give me money, but I turned it down out of resentment. I probably made things more difficult for myself than they needed to be, but you know me—I tend to do that. So, I worked my ass off. For the next four years, I usually had two jobs at a time while still going to classes, I took out loans that I’ve only recently finished paying off, and I lived in shitty apartments with way too many roommates. Let me tell you, though, those were some of the best years of my life. I mean, college freedom and partying aside, I know that I came into myself during those four years. I made lifelong friends, I loved my classes, I learned and experimented and discovered, and I never for a second had to feel like I owed anyone anything. I honestly don’t think that I would have had the same experience if someone else was taking care of me and paying for everything. I know that I wouldn’t have grown up the way I did.”

Gabe nodded, still mulling it over. “That sounds like good advice, but I’m going to have to think about it. I’ve got to figure out what’s going to work for me.”

“Absolutely,” Shaun said. “And like I said, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. You make your own decisions.”

Gabe grinned. “All right. Good talk, bro.”

Shaun smiled. “Good talk.”

---

Zach
Zach stood back from the wall and looked at the sketches he had just attached to it, trying to decide if the arrangement worked. He was in the studio where his drawing workshop took place, and he was all alone. The class would start in ten minutes, and today, his work would be critiqued. This was not his first critique: he had sat through several already in his year at Cal Arts, but it did not make him any less nervous. After years of hoarding his drawings, keeping them hidden away in a book for no one to see, it was absolutely nerve-wracking to have his work out in the open like this, for the very purpose of having his peers judge it. It felt like his heart and soul were up on that wall, his deepest secrets and insecurities. And for the next thirty minutes or so, ten other people would sit around talking about it, trying to find what was wrong with it.

This particular series was based on waves. Zach had tried to capture the motion and power of waves in the ocean, while also incorporating abstract shapes and designs. He wanted to include the concept of flow and the tide, but also chaos and danger, since waves could mean all of those things. He thought it all made sense, but he was new to this concept of creating a series of work with such specific ideas in mind. Before becoming an art student, Zach had let his work be guided by instinct rather than intellect. He still wasn’t sure which worked better for him.

Zach gave up rearranging his art when the first couple of students began to trickle into the classroom. He took a seat at the edge of the semicircle of chairs that faced the display. He was soon joined by the rest of his classmates and the instructor himself. This was Michael’s class, the instructor for whom Zach had considered interning.

“OK, guys,” Michael said once they had all gotten settled in their chairs, “let’s get started. Today, we are looking at Zach’s series. What’s it called, Zach?”

“Waves.”

“Ah,” Michael said, turning to look at the sketches, “how very … literal. Well, who would like to begin?”

As usual, no one responded right away. These critiques normally started with a few moments of silence as everyone studied the work and considered what to say. Some people took notes.

“Well,” a guy named Eric, said, “it’s like you said, Michael: it’s pretty literal. I mean, they’re waves all right, but I’m still looking for something more.”

“I like how you played with shapes, Zach,” Marie said. “The waves are triangular, but I see how you have added the, ah, the other shapes as well inside the waves. The effect is very nice.”

“I don’t get what the point of the shapes is, though,” Eric said. “I guess there’s something structural about the whole thing but … it sort of seems like you just threw them in there in a desperate attempt to make the drawings more interesting.”

Someone else decided to pipe in. “And where’s the color? I feel like these could have so much more potential if there was some color.”

“Well,” Michael said, “we all know that Zach has a hard time with color. It’s interesting how we are seeing this weakness amplified here by the need for something more in these sketches. Not every drawing needs color, but I agree, these would be greatly improved with the incorporation of some well-placed accents.”

“I don’t know,” said someone else. “Even with some color, they’d still just be waves, right? I see big waves, small waves, dark waves, and light waves, but so what? There’s still something … empty about these pieces.”

Empty? Zach thought. He thought that he had been putting everything inside of him into those waves, and yet, they had come out empty. How could that be? How could he have so completely failed at emitting even an iota of emotion into his work?

Here, Christian decided to give his two cents. “Well, I know Zach and I know exactly what these drawings mean. He hearts surfing, right Zach?”

Everyone chuckled, and Zach forced himself to join in, to try to appear good humored and unhurt by the harsh critique. “That’s it exactly, Christian. These’re all about my love for surfing.”

“OK, OK,” Michael said, “let’s try to stay on track. Ellen, you talked about how there are different sizes and shades of waves. Can we gather something from that?”

No one spoke for a moment, and then Marie decided to give it a shot. “Well, I see anger in the dark waves. They are almost … frightening. And the lighter, smaller ones seem so calm. There is something interesting in this: that the same phenomenon can have such opposite effects, that they can be both scary and relaxing.”

“Just like people,” Ellen said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “I mean, I’m sorry, but these are still registering as totally void to me. Is that all this is about? The emotional range of waves?”

The rest of the critique did not go any better. No one seemed to get what Zach had intended with this series. Marie had come the closest, but even then, she was missing something. It was tempting to be angry at his classmates for not understanding his work, but Zach knew that they were not to blame. If his waves seemed shallow, it was because he himself had failed to give them more depth.
This, of course, was not the first time that Zach had received negative feedback from his classmates. Every critique included constructive criticism. In fact, there were always more negative comments than positive ones. No one wanted to sit there and gush, even when the work was very good. Still, though, quality work was always rewarded with compliments, and Zach was getting none for this series. This had not happened to him before.

After class, he tried to act relaxed and indifferent to the critique. It was definitely not considered cool to behave as though one’s feelings were hurt by negative feedback. Everyone received it: it was part of being an artist.

At the moment, though, Zach didn’t feel much like an artist. He wondered if Cal Arts was maybe making him a worse artist instead of a better one. He forgot all about all the praise he had received from his instructors, profs, classmates, and friends since starting at Cal Arts, and thought only about this failure. This failure felt like a plane wreck. Maybe, he thought, it was a cop out to blame Cal Arts for his loss of talent. Maybe he never really had talent at all. Maybe he looked good on paper, but he had no shot of actually going anywhere with his art.
Zach tried to push these thoughts aside as he got into his car and headed for work. Starting a shift at work in a bad mood was never a good thing. And I’d better learn to be a good barista, Zach thought, since that’s what I’ll probably be doing for the rest of my life. Again, he tried to steer his thoughts to other subjects. He would get home around ten that night, so he would miss dinner. Shaun would sit with him while he ate, but he hated not eating with Cody. He believed in the importance of family dinners, and avoided missing them as much as he could, but with school, Zach found himself often working through dinnertime. He wondered if it was worth it. Was it worth missing these all-important dinners in order to cater to unappreciative customers at a job he liked less and less? Zach didn’t know. He suddenly felt as though he had no idea what he was doing anymore, in any aspect of his life.

He put on a happy face when he got to work, though. They were busy that afternoon, and Zach got stuck behind the register. That meant he was the first smiling face customers saw when they got to the café, and the person they went to for their every need, their every question, their every complaint. Zach joked with the regulars, and was patient with the indecisive. He was calm with the rude, and kind with the confused. He was tired and wished he could be anywhere else, but he thought he was doing an all right job of keeping it together. At least, that was until she arrived.

She was a woman who was not an everyday regular, but who came into the café every once in a while. She wore fashionable clothing, a lot of makeup, and spoke to everyone who worked at the café as though she thought they had been dropped on their heads at birth. Zach knew better than to let her bother him, but that day, his patience were thin, to say the least.

“Hey there, how’s your afternoon going?” he said to her when it was her turn in line.

“A latte, grande, and nonfat … extra-hot, with an extra shot, and no foam. Make one of those shots decaf. And vanilla. Put half of what you usually put in there—you people always make it too sweet. And skinny. Skinny vanilla.”

On the notepad where he wrote down drinks for the people on bar to make, Zach tried to write down everything she said in the correct order. “By skinny vanilla, do you mean sugar-free?” he asked.

“Yeeees,” she said slowly, as if he had just asked her the stupidest question on earth, “that’s what skinny means! It means sugar-free!”
She was holding a credit card out to him, practically waving it in his face. Zach ignored it as he punched her order into the register. “All right, that’ll be four thirty-two.”

“I’m not finished yet! You’re supposed to ask me if I want anything else.”

“I’m sorry,” Zach said, not the least bit sorry at all. When she did not say anything and continued to stare at him expectantly, Zach said, “Would you like anything else?”

“I just said I did. I want a muffin. A blueberry one.”

Zach grabbed the tongs and went to grab the muffin from the pastry case, but saw that they were out. Of course, Zach thought. “We’re out of blueberry. Do you want cranberry-orange instead?”

“No, I want blueberry! Why is your sign still up if you’ve run out?”

“I’m sorry, I guess we didn’t get around to taking it down yet. Do you still want a different muffin?” He could see customers behind the woman shifting uncomfortably, and the line was just getting longer. Zach was sure that it would never end.

She sighed deeply, as if she had just experienced a terrible ordeal. “I suppose. But I certainly don’t expect to be charged for it.”
Zach stared at her. “If you want a muffin, I have to charge you for it.”

“But you didn’t have the one I wanted!”

“I’m sorry, but that happens all the time. We don’t give away free muffins because we ran out of the type you like.” Zach’s patience was not just thin, now, it was practically non-existent. It was a thin sheet of ice that was about to be broken by the slightest touch.

“You are being incredibly rude. Where’s your manager?”

And there it went, his patience, shattered into a million pieces. “Are you fucking crazy?”

“Excuse me?”

“I asked you if you’re crazy, because it seems like you are. I have been incredibly patient with you and you’re being ridiculous—”

“Zach—” a voice behind him said, but Zach spoke over it.

“I’m doing everything I can to make you happy, but that’s obviously impossible. So, take the damn muffin or leave it, because I am done being nice. If you don’t like it, you can get the hell out of here.”

“How dare you—”

Andrea was suddenly beside him. “Ma’am, I am so sorry about this. Please, just give me one moment.” She turned to Zach. “Go sit down in the office.”

“No, I’m not—”

“Go. You need to chill the fuck out.”

Zach stared at her for a moment as sensibility slowly started to trickle back in. His blood was still pumping hard and he could feel his
hands shaking. “Fine,” he said, and left Andrea to deal with the woman.

The café’s tiny, cramped office was the only real refuge in the store to get away from the chaos of the rest of the place. Zach collapsed into the chair behind the desk, then immediately stood up again and started to pace the small space. At first, he replayed the ordeal in his mind, and felt sure that he had reacted reasonably. The woman was a complete bitch, and probably was to every person she encountered. It was about time someone stood up to her. And so what if she never returned as a customer here? Good riddance. He was sick of dealing with rude and ungrateful people with such patience and politeness. Maybe it was his job to serve them, but that didn’t give people permission to treat him like garbage. He knew he deserved better than that.

As a few minutes went by, though, and his heartbeat slowed to a more normal rate, he started to realize just what he had done. This was not like him: he had never done anything like that before. At the time, it had felt like he would have exploded if he hadn’t let that anger out somehow, but other ways of reacting to that situation were starting to occur to him. If he had truly felt like he couldn’t continue dealing with that woman, why hadn’t he just turned to Andrea in the first place and asked her to switch positions with him? A good rush of making drinks and rarely speaking directly with customers probably would have been just the thing to calm him down. He was good and fast at making drinks, and he actually enjoyed it. Andrea was good with people, she would have diffused the situation easily. That wasn’t what happened, though. Instead, he had totally lost it.

Five minutes later, Andrea came bursting into the office. “What the hell happened out there?”

Zach shook his head. “I’m sorry, I have no idea. I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Look, I know that woman was a bitch, but we deal with these people all the time. You can’t do that to a customer, no matter what.”

“I know.”

“And, you know, you two weren’t in a bubble during your little outburst. There was a huge line-up of customers who probably didn’t hear half of what went on between you two until you blew up at her and called her fucking insane. Guess how good that made you look? Guess how good that made us look?”

“I know, I’m sorry. Is she gone?”

“Yeah, I dealt with her, but I practically had to give her free coffee for life. And you know her type: she’ll keep coming back just to spite us, and she’ll be even more of a monster than she was before.”

“It’s not going to happen again, Andrea, I swear. That was just a bad moment. My worst.”

“It better fucking not. You’re lucky Stu isn’t here. He would’ve fired you on the spot.” Stu owned the café.

“Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, Andrea.”

“Don’t thank me. Just get a hold of yourself.”

“I am. I mean, I did. I’m fine now. I’ll head back out.”

“No, Zach, don’t bother. Take the rest of the day off, it seems like you need it. Brianna said she’d stay late and close with me.”

“I feel like the biggest asshole. I’m totally screwing you guys over.”

Andrea rolled her eyes. “Well today, you are a huge asshole, but I’ll forgive you. Go home, chill out, and get back to being the sweet and kind Zach that we all know and love.”

Zach sighed. “OK, I will.”

By the time Zach got home, his hands had stopped shaking, but his mood was as low as ever. When he entered the apartment and shut the door behind him, Shaun called from the kitchen. “Hello?”

“It’s me,” Zach called back.

Shaun came out into the hallway. “What’re you doing home so early?”

“Long story,” he said, avoiding Shaun’s eyes. “I’m going to go lie down for a bit.” He kicked off his shoes and walked straight into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. He collapsed, face-down on the bed, and shut his eyes.

He was not the least bit surprised when moments later, he heard the door open, and felt someone sit down on the bed beside him. Shaun’s hand rested on his back. “Babe, what’s wrong? What happened?”

Zach opened one eye to look up at his partner. “I had a really shitty day. So shitty, in fact, that I got sent home from work.”

Shaun had the grace and good sense to not look surprised. “Want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“OK,” Shaun said. Instead, he lay down beside Zach, nudged him to turn on his side so that they were spooning. Shaun wrapped his arms around him. Zach pressed his body back against Shaun’s, feeling a calmness come over him as he felt surrounded by his lover. They stayed like that for a long time, not moving, only breathing. Neither of them fell asleep, but they weren’t totally awake either. Shaun didn’t kiss Zach or stroke his skin: he just held him close, and Zach let the stress of the day slowly subside.

When he finally felt ready, he rolled over to face Shaun, and told him about his day. He told him everything, from his nervousness about his critique, to how terribly it had gone, to how busy it was at work, and finally, to how unprofessionally he had acted because one customer had finally gotten to him. As usual, Shaun listened quietly and serenely, taking in Zach’s every word, and letting him get everything out that he needed to get out.

When he finally seemed to be out of words, Shaun said, “So tell me something.”

“What?”

“Why’re you still working there?”

Zach rolled his eyes. “I need a job, don’t I?”

“Do you?”

“Shaun, we’ve been through this. I’m going to contribute to expenses, even while I’m in school. It’s important to me.”

“I know, but I think you need to consider what that job is costing you. It isn’t worth it if it’s going to cause you this much stress. You don’t need that.”

“It isn’t usually like this, though. I told you, I was having a bad day.”

“Come on, Zach, you know this isn’t exactly your dream job. You may not go ballistic on customers every day, but you’re not happy there.”

“I’m not exactly expecting to find my dream job right now.”

“Maybe not, but you could find something better. And we can afford it if you need to take your time looking.”

Zach shook his head. “There’s no point. I need a job, and this one is as good as any. It’s not like I’m going to find some amazing job painting all day.”

“Why do you say this kind of thing all the time? Why do you think you deserve less than what you want?”

Zach met his eyes. This argument again. “It’s not about what I think I deserve; it’s about what I think is possible, and I don’t think that getting paid to do my art is in the realm of possibility right now. Maybe not ever.”

Shaun frowned at him and shook his head. “Are you nuts? Zach, you are smart, talented, and accomplished. Why would you ever think that you won’t be able to do whatever you want with your life?”

“Not everyone gets as lucky as you, Shaun,” Zach finally allowed himself to say. He hadn’t wanted Shaun to know about his deepest fear, his deepest insecurity: that he would never have the success Shaun had. “Not everyone gets to be creative and do what they love and get paid for it.”

“You’re right. But Zach, if you think that I got all that because I was lucky, you are very, very mistaken. I worked hard to get that success. It wasn’t handed to me on a silver platter.”

“I’m not saying that it was. I’m just trying to face the reality that I may not get what you have, no matter how hard I work.”
“So you’re just going to give up? You’re just going to work in cafes and diners for the rest of your life and not even try to actually go for what you want?”

“Don’t start—”

“No, Zach, I am going to start. I’m not letting this go. I will not allow you to get into this self-deprecating mood and tell yourself that you can’t have what you want. So you had a shitty day and you got a bad critique of your work. So what? You think I didn’t get bad critiques of my writing while I was in school?”

“No, but—”

“And I didn’t just get bad critiques at school, you know. I once submitted a short story to a literary magazine, and I actually got a personalized rejection letter. Editors don’t usually take the time to respond to the writers they don’t want, but this particular editor found my work so terrible, he just had to let me know. He said my writing was uninspired, clichéd, and childish. He said he judged my age at about twelve. He said I should stop wasting my time writing and go back to preschool.”

“That doesn’t even make sense. If you were twelve, you wouldn’t be in preschool.”

Shaun laughed. “Exactly! This guy’s insults weren’t even logical, so I didn’t let it bother me. And hey, not all the criticism I received was garbage like that. A lot of it was completely right, and I learned from it. I didn’t see the work you submitted for criticism today, but who knows? Maybe it was crap, Zach. Everyone produces crap sometimes, even the most talented artists.”

Zach raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, maybe it was crap.”

“But you get what I’m saying, don’t you? If you think that some bad criticism and a couple people telling you that you aren’t talented is reason enough to give up, then you’re right: you’ll never be successful. But I know you’re stronger than that, Zach. So what’re you going to do?”

Zach shrugged the best he could while lying on his side in bed. “I don’t know, what can I do? I can keep trying to improve my art, but that still doesn’t solve the job situation. And I told you, I’m not just going to not have a job. That’s nonnegotiable.”

“Fine, but that doesn’t mean you have to have a job you hate. Quit the café. Take some time, and search for a job you want. You could work in a gallery, or assist one of your profs, or work in a museum. Find something that challenges and inspires you.”

“With no experience, I’d have to do most of those jobs as an intern. And internships don’t pay.”

“So what? We can afford it. You’ll still be working, because you’ll be working toward a career that you actually want, one that’ll make you happy and let you contribute way more than your café job allows you.”

Zach couldn’t help thinking about what Michael had said about that gallery internship, how it probably wouldn’t make him a better artist. Maybe it wouldn’t, but maybe he would at least have fun doing it. Or maybe, Michael was wrong. That was a possibility Zach had not yet considered. He took a deep breath. “All right. I’ll quit the café. But not just like that—I’ll give them my two weeks’ notice.”

“That’s very fair of you.”

“I feel bad though. Stu’s always talking about how much of a pain it is to hire new people.”

“That’s not your problem, Zach.”

“Yeah,” he said, “I know. Man, are you just always right about everything?”

Shaun grinned. “If you say I am.”

“Well, I guess I’ll just chalk it up to the fact that you’re just so old and wise.” He put extra-emphasis on the word “old”.

They stayed quiet for a little while. Shaun rubbed his hand over Zach’s, and Zach placed his other hand on top of Shaun’s.
“Want to hear something interesting?” Shaun said.

“Always.”

“It looks like come the end of the semester, Gabe’ll officially be un-cut off. Larry’s going to pay his bills and give him back his Visa card.”

“Really? How come?”

“Gabe’s grades are good, and I guess that’s enough to impress Larry. At least, enough to impress him when you’re his favorite son. Actually, Gabe is thinking about continuing work and taking care of some of his own bills.”

“Wow, that’d be a change for him.”

“I know, but I think it would be good for him.”

“Sure. So, I guess he’ll be moving out pretty soon then?”

“In about a month. The semester ends in June.”

Zach shook his head. “Man, time just flew by. It seems like he just moved in.”

“I know. It’s been a trip, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Zach paused. “A good trip though. I think I may actually miss him when he’s gone.”

Shaun smiled. “Me too.”