Fic: Sure, sure

[fizzerbass.livejournal.com]

Title:  Sure, Sure
Author:  fizzerbass 
Pairing:  Who else?  Zach and Shaun
Rating:  PG-13.
Notes:  My version of what might have happened the night Jean left for Oregon.
Disclaimer:  The characters of Zach and Shaun belong to Jonah Markowitz and his movie Shelter.  I just happen to be in love with them.  



.

Zach’s sitting out on the patio of Shaun’s house all by himself, hugging his knees tight to his chest as he listens to the sound of the waves in the darkness.  Cody’s inside with Shaun doing God knows what, but he can hear them both laughing so it must be something good.

 

Jean left for Portland this morning with Allen and, so far, Cody hasn’t seemed bothered by it.  She’s left him before so it isn’t like it’s anything new to him, but Zach was worried about what would happen next week when Cody realized she wasn’t coming back.

 

“There you are.  I’ve been looking for you.”

 

Shaun walks on to the patio from the kitchen holding two beers.  He puts the bottles on the ground near the lounge chair and cups the back of Zach’s head to kiss him.  He pulls back with a small smile on his face and sits near Zach’s feet.  “Hey, you.”

 

Zach rests his chin on his knees, smiling back at Shaun.  “Hey yourself.” 

 

“What’re you doing out here?”

 

“Nothing.  Just thinking.”

 

“Uh oh, now we’re in trouble.”

 

“Shut up.”  Zach nudges him with his foot.  “Where’s Cody?”

 

“I’ve got him set up inside watching the DVD of you and Gabe skating.  He’s having a blast.”

 

Zach’s smile gets wider.  “I thought I recognized that music the other night.  You were watching that DVD, weren’t you?”

Shaun bows his head, trying not to smile and failing.  “Busted.”

 

“I knew it.” 

 

“Can you blame me?”

 

“No, I look totally hot in that video.”

 

Shaun snorts out a laugh.  “Yeah, I’m sure that’s why Cody likes it so much.”

 

“Dude, that’s sick.”

 

“You’re the one that brought it up.”

 

“Still…” 

 

Their laughter settles around them and they grow quiet.  Zach stares at Shaun, letting his eyes roam over the other man’s eyes, his smile…God, he missed this.  Missed feeling this connected to someone, feeling this safe.  He reaches out and lightly runs his knuckles along Shaun’s cheek.  “I’m glad I’m here.”

 

Shaun turns into the touch, trapping Zach’s hand to his shoulder and resting his chin on top.  “Me too.”  He kisses Zach’s fingers and asks lightly, “You going to stay this time?”

 

Zach’s smile fades from his face and he bites his lip, looking away.  He tries to pull his hand back but Shaun reaches up and keeps it captive, tugging until Zach looks back at him.  “What happened, Zach?  What went wrong?”

 

Zach sighs, running his free hand over his hair.  “I don’t know, man.  I was just…it was all so new, you know?  I mean, people were finding out about me and I didn’t even know about me yet.  I didn’t want anyone to know…I didn’t want anything to change…”

 

“But you seemed so sure.”  Shaun looks down at their joined hands.  “You seemed really happy.”

 

“I was happy…when I was with you.  But then Jeanie started giving me shit, saying I was letting down the family by having my big gay wedding, saying it wasn’t right for Cody to be around it…around us.”

 

Shaun looks up at Zach, anger evident on his face.  “Oh, and it’s alright for her to bring home a new guy every week?  To move eight hundred miles away from her son?”

 

“Shaun.  Don’t start.  I’m not saying its right, I know it’s not right.  But Cody is her son and-”

 

“She doesn’t act like it” Shaun interrupts.  “Leaving him behind because her boyfriend’s ‘not really into it’”.

 

“Dude, stop.  She may be a little fucked up right now but she’s still my sister, still my family.”

 

“Yeah well, just because she’s family doesn’t mean she’s good for you, good to you.  She doesn’t want what’s best for you.”

 

Zach pulls his hand back and wraps his arms around his knees, turning his head away to look out into the darkness.  He knows what Shaun’s saying is true, that Jean is totally taking advantage of him, counting on his family fucking gene to kick in so he’ll take care of Cody.  But, what else could he do?  Let Cody go to Oregon?  Be around Allen who wanted nothing to do with him?  No, Jean was right about one thing; Cody was better off staying with him and Shaun, where they both wanted him and wanted him around.

 

He closes his eyes and sighs heavily.  “I know she’s doesn’t…and part of me resents her for what she’s doing…to both me and Cody.”  He turns back and opens his eyes.  “But that’s not Cody’s fault, Shaun.  He shouldn’t have to pay for her mistakes.”

 

Shaun relents, reaching out to rub Zach’s knee.  “No, you’re right, he shouldn’t.  And he won’t.  He’s going to be fine with us.”

 

“I know” Zach gives a small smile before flopping back in the chair.  “But there’s so much to do still.”  He starts ticking off a list on his fingers.  “I’ve got to pack up all our stuff, find a school for Cody and get him registered, I’ve got to get myself registered at Cal Arts…I’ve got to get a job…”

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.”  Shaun crawls up next to Zach, stretching out beside him.  “Slow down.  You don’t have to do it all at once.”  He reaches out and tugs on Zach’s zipper.  “And you don’t have to do it all alone.  There’s two of us now, so let me help you.”

 

Zach rolls on his side to face Shaun, tucking his hand beneath his head.  “It’s hard…I’m used to doing it on my own.”

 

“Well, get un-used to it.  You’re not on your own anymore.”

 

A slow grin spreads across Zach’s face as he reaches out to rub his thumb along Shaun’s lips.  He loses focus for a moment, thinking about having Shaun in his life again, about being with him as part of a couple.  It’s the weirdest feeling…exhilarating, yet terrifying…like being out on the ocean enjoying the waves, but still being afraid one is going to crash into you and throw you off your board.  He drops his hand from Shaun’s mouth and tucks it under his head with the other one.  He stares at Shaun’s chin because he can’t look him in the eye, whispering because he’s suddenly scared.  “What if I suck at this?”

 

“At taking care of Cody?  Dude, you’re excellent at that.  He thinks of you as his father.”

 

Zach shakes his head, finding the courage to look in Shaun’s eyes.  “What if I suck at this” he motions between the two of them.  “What if I suck at us?” 

 

“You’re not going to suck at us, you couldn’t if you tried.”

 

Zach cocks an eyebrow at Shaun, a reproachful look on his face, and Shaun backtracks.

 

“Okay, yeah, the whole ‘I’m done’ thing kind of sucked, but you fixed it.  You came back.  Besides, it’s not like this is your first relationship.  You were with Tori for years.”

 

Zach rolls onto his back, letting out a shaky breath as he rests his head back in his hands.  “Dude, this is so not like what I had with Torry.  Not even close.”

 

“Well, of course not.  Duh.  I’m a guy.”

 

Zach fixes Shaun with a dead-eye stare.  “Funny.”

 

“Sorry,” Shaun chortles.  Propping himself up on his elbow, Shaun looks down at Zach.  “So tell me how it’s different.”

 

Zach stares up at the stars, wondering how he could ever explain this to Shaun.  How he’d loved Tori, sure, but it was more like he loved the idea of her…the idea of someone he could protect and provide for…someone he could take of.  Sometimes he felt like he was just going through the motions, acting like her boyfriend because they’d been together for so long and not because he really felt like her boyfriend.  He didn’t really feel much when he was with her, only a vague sense of obligation.

 

But with Shaun…God, with Shaun, he felt alive for the first time.  The sex was amazing for sure, like nothing he’d ever felt before, but it was more than that.  He felt like he could do anything, be anything, as long as Shaun was beside him.  He felt whole…complete…at peace with himself.  It was like Tori was black and white and Shaun was every color under the sun.  Sultry reds and deep blues coming together with bright yellows to paint him with happiness.  Yeah, that was something he could really tell Shaun.

 

Shrugging his shoulders, he looks up at his boyfriend.  “I don’t know, I can’t explain it.  It’s different, yeah...but it’s just…it’s just so much more, you know?”

 

Shaun smiles softly as he cups Zach’s jaw, rubbing his thumb back and forth.  “Yeah, I do know.  It’s a lot more for me too.” 

 

Zach relaxes into Shaun’s touch, staring intently into his eyes.  “Are you sure about this?  This couldn’t be what you wanted when you came back here.”

 

Shaun places his finger over Zach’s lips.  “Ssh, stop worrying, I’m sure.  This is exactly what I’ve always wanted.”

 

Zach grins, a teasing light in his eyes.  “Sure, sure?”

 

“Yes, sure sure.”  He attacks Zach, tickling him and wrestling with him all over the lounge chair.  “Are you gonna stop?  Huh?  Are you gonna stop worrying?”  He works his hands under Zach’s hoodie, gaining better access to warm skin.  “Are you gonna start listening to the Master?”

 

Zach rolls and tries to get away but he can’t, he’s laughing too hard.  Gasping for breath, he holds his hands up in defeat.  “Stop!  I give up, I give up.  I give up already.”

 

Shaun pulls his hands away and smoothes down Zach’s sweatshirt.  Still chuckling, he draws Zach in and wraps his arm around his shoulders.  Zach settles, burrowing into Shaun’s neck and resting his head right underneath his jaw.  They lay quietly for a minute, listening to the waves breaking on the beach behind them and the faint music of the DVD Cody is still watching.  Shaun pushes up the arm of Zach’s t-shirt and rubs lazy circles on his skin, nudging him a bit as he speaks.

 

“So what changed your mind?  What made you stop listening to Jean?” 

 

Zach snorts.  “Gabe.”

 

Shaun pulls back, tucking his chin down to look at Zach.  “Gabe?  My brother?  You’re kidding.”

 

“I know, right?  I was kind of surprised myself.”  He makes himself comfortable again on Shaun’s shoulder, tracing random patterns on his chest.  “But he really helped me.”

 

Shaun huffs out a laugh.  “I’m almost afraid to ask what words of wisdom my politically incorrect little brother gave you.”

 

“Nah, it wasn’t like that.  He just said this didn’t change things.  That we were still bros no matter what.”  Zach grows quiet for a minute.  “He made me realize that I hadn’t changed…that it really didn’t make a difference who I was sleeping with...I was still me and that’s all he cared about.  I figured if my being gay didn’t bother him, why should it bother me, you know?”

 

“Huh, go figure.  Way to go, little brother.”

 

“Yeah, I know.”

 

They fall into silence again, not needing words to communicate.  Zach lets his mind wander, enjoying the feel of Shaun’s fingers on his skin, as he thinks about how much his life has changed in the past twenty-four hours.  He thinks about Cal Arts and the rush of knowing he really is going to go this time.  He thinks about making Jean understand he and Shaun are a good thing and how Cody will never want for anything.  He thinks about spending the night at Tori’s and what she said to him on the beach.

 

“Tori thinks we don’t belong to people forever.”

 

Shaun doesn’t respond right away, just continues to let his fingers wander up and down Zach’s arm.  “Interesting theory.  What do you think?”

 

Zach flips onto his stomach, placing his chin on his folded hands atop Shaun’s chest.  He stares into Shaun’s eyes, into the love he knows he will always see there.  “I think I want to.  I think I want to belong to you.”  He pushes forward with his toes to reach Shaun’s lips and kisses him, loving the fact that he can…because he has a right to, because he wants to, because he needs to.  Pulling his lips away, he skims them along Shaun’s check to whisper in his ear.  “I think I already do.”