Fic: Something Better (Ch. 26)

[unavez18.livejournal.com]

Title: Ch. 26
Characters: Zach, Tori
Rating: PG13

Tori was next up on the tour of awkward moments.

 

She flung the front door open as Zach approached and ran into his arms.  "Monkey, it's so good to see you!" she purred in his ear.

 

"Hey, monkey," Zach responded, trying his best to sound relaxed.  He used to feel so at home with her; though if he was being completely honest with himself, most of that comfortable feeling had ceased soon after their sexual relationship began.

 

As she backed out of the embrace, Zach noted that she looked very much the same; the same long golden hair, the same luminous eyes, the same pouty lips.  But something appeared slightly different as he appraised her; it was almost as if her beauty seemed-- saddened.

 

"Come in," she quickly ushered him inside.  "Billy's at work."

 

Zach was glad of that.  He wasn't really sure what it was that he had come to say to her, or what it was he had come to find out.  He hoped his concern was genuine, and that he wasn't just there for the sole purpose of assuaging his guilty conscious.

 

"Hey, I'm sorry I haven't been back," Zach began as they plopped down on the couch.  "I just kinda got caught up with stuff."

 

Lie, Zach thought.  He hadn't been ready to come back and face things until now.

 

"It's okay, I understand," Tori smiled.  Sometimes Zach felt she was far too understanding.

"So, how've you been?" she continued.

 

"Good, good," he said with a smile.  He could have said, great, fucking great, amazingly wonderful and like nothing I ever thought I would get to experience, but somehow it didn't seem right to rub it in her face.  "And you?"

 

"Good," she smiled back.  "Well, I'm getting married," she added with a little laugh.  "Crazy, huh?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"It's not gonna be a big wedding or anything; actually I think those engagement announcements might have been the biggest thing about it."

 

Zach's eyes wandered to her left hand and landed on a thin band with a small sliver of a diamond.  Tori moved her hand quickly when she saw his gaze.  "It was his mother's promise ring," she said nonchalantly.  "He's gonna get me another one when we've saved up a bit."

 

"Oh," Zach said, hoping he hadn't embarrassed her.  "What else have you been up to?"

 

"Working," Tori replied, a smile still on her face, although it seemed a bit put-on.  "Same old same old.  Billy got a job at an auto shop; it's pretty good work."

 

Zach nodded.  He wanted to make more small talk, but that had never been his forte.  "So, marriage, huh. You're ready for that whole thing?"

 

"Sure, why not," Tori shrugged.  "It makes sense."

 

There it was again.  Nothing about loving Shaun had made sense to Zach when those feelings had first been born, but everything about it was right.  Now Zach wasn't so sure that "making sense" could ever serve as a justification for love.

 

"But are you happy?" he had to ask her.

 

"Sure," she shrugged, but didn't quite meet him in the eye.  "Billy treats me well."

 

"But, are you happy," Zach repeated himself.  He didn't feel like he was getting an honest answer.  If someone had asked him now if he loved Shaun, he would have said a simple yes without hesitation or reservation.

 

"This is my life," Tori rolled her eyes at him.  "There's nothing wrong with marrying him."

 

"I didn’t say there was.  I’m just asking if you’re happy," Zach pushed again. 

 

This time she snapped.  "Did you come all the way down here just to ask me that over and over?  What the fuck, Zach.  There's nothing wrong with Billy.  What do you want me to say?"

 

"I'm sorry," Zach said quietly.  "I didn't come here to piss you off.  I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

 

"Well I'm fine," she was still upset, her eyes alit with a fiery indignation.  "There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing.  I don't need you coming down here and judging me."

 

"I just wanted to make sure this is what you want, Tori," Zach felt himself rising to her anger.

 

"Well we can't all be carried off by a white knight like some kind of Disney princess," she shot back.

 

The words stung Zach, even though he knew that deep down, he had been expecting them.  And, as he saw it, he deserved them.  He had left her behind, in a not-so-glorious existence, while he had taken off to live a fairytale.  She had every right to be pissed.

 

Tori took his silence to mean he had been hurt by her words.  She reached out gingerly and grabbed his hands.  "Jesus, Zach, I'm sorry.  I don't know where that came from."

 

"I do," Zach mumbled, feeling the familiar and yet now unfamiliar feel of her delicate hands in his.  "I left you here, after taking up so much of your life."

 

"No, no," she hushed him.  "I don't want you to feel guilty about finding happiness.  You deserve it, you really do.  And I'm fine.  Honestly."

 

"I don't want you to just be fine," Zach wasn't ready to give up.  "I want you to be happy.  You deserve it too.  I'm sure Billy's an alright guy, but I just want to make sure that this is going to make you happy."

 

Tori's lip had started to tremble.  She bit it, and her wide eyes became glassy.  "I’m not sure what else I would do . . . I’m sorta stuck here,” she whispered.

 

And then the tears came.  Large drops cascaded down her face as her lips continued to shake despite her attempts to stem their movement with her teeth.  Zach gathered her up, smelling the sweet scent of her shampoo as her hair pressed up against his face.  She buried her head in his shoulders as she cried, holding onto him tightly.

 

After a few minutes she pulled back and wiped her eyes with the back of her arm.  "Geez, I'm sorry.  That was silly of me," but the smile she wore did not extend to her still-saddened eyes.

"Billy really is an okay guy.  He treats me well enough.  I mean, maybe not quite as well as you treated me," she added, her smile growing a little more genuine.  "But he's a better fuck."

 

Zach didn't rise to the bait, though he certainly could have told her that he was much better in bed when he was with someone who he was more completely attracted to.

"You don’t have to be stuck here if you don’t want to be.  You must have some savings; you could go to community college, or a trade school . . ."

 

Tori waived him off, shaking her head.  "I can't even begin to think of what I'd do.  You've always had your art, but I've never really had that much going on.  The best thing I ever had was . . ."

 

She stopped short before she could finish, but the next word was understood anyways: you.  They had made plans for a life together once; a life that involved getting out of San Pedro, out of the rut, out of the daily grind.

 

"Tori, I'm not using myself as an example because I know I wouldn't be where I am right now without Shaun, but I still think that you can change things if you want to.  You're an amazing woman.  You're smarter than you give yourself credit for, and you have a lot more to offer than just bagging groceries."  Zach reached for her hand and remembered how she had so gently reached out to him over a year ago, making him see what he had been too blind to accept before.  Now he hoped he could do the same for her.

 

She wiped another tear from her eye.  "Maybe I'm not as brave as you."

 

Zach let his breath rush out in a brief laugh.  "I'm not that brave.  Like you said, I have Shaun."

 

Tori shook her head.  "No, no.  I was being a bitch.  Yeah, you have Shaun, but that doesn't mean that picking up and creating a life with him and Cody was easy.  I mean, you're raising a child in a same-sex relationship.  And let's face it, the world is making progress in terms of acceptance, but it's not quite there yet.  You have to be brave to take that on.  You have to be brave every single day."

 

Zach paused, uncertain of his next move. He hadn't really thought of it that way before.  Here he was trying to reassure her, and Tori was flipping it around and bolstering his self-esteem even as she continued to wipe away her own tears.

 

"Have you ever thought of being a counselor?  'Cause you'd make damn good one," he eventually said.

 

Tori giggled a little.  "Yeah?  Hmm.  I do kinda like pretending I'm a know-it-all."

 

"Seriously though.  You can do it if you want to.  I'd do anything I can to help you . . .you could even come stay with us for a while . . ."

 

"No, Zach, I'm not gonna invade your family.  If I'm gonna do anything, I really have to take charge myself, don't I?"

 

Zach's breath hitched in his chest.  "Yeah?  You're gonna do something?"

 

Tori sighed.  "You were right.  I guess I'm not really all that happy . . . I’ve just been trying to convince myself it was the best thing to do.  There’s nothing wrong with Billy, but I know I should probably have my own life together before I settle down . . . I don't want to wind up bitter.   I guess I was just waiting for someone to come along and talk me out of it, or tell me there’s something better out there . . . good thing you showed up,” she ended with a rueful smirk.

 

Zach pulled her closer, putting his arms around her waist.  "There is something better, Tori.  And I think that you can find it." 

Although he wouldn’t dare say it aloud, he realized that when he had been planning a life with her he had also tried to convince himself it was the best thing to do, even though he knew it wasn’t making him truly happy.  And apparently he too had been waiting for someone to come along and tell him there was something better out there.  Now that he knew it was true, it only seemed fair that he share what he’d learned with others.

 

Tori’s eyes drifted down to her left hand, and she reached over and pulled off the ring.  "It never felt quite right anyways," she said with a shrug.  "Who knows, maybe we can still work it out, if he'll wait for me.  I actually think that once he gets over his pride being hurt, he'll be relieved.  I have a feeling his mom was pressuring him."

 

She rolled it over in her hand a few times, then glanced up at Zach.  "Have you and Shaun ever talked about it?  I mean, I know you can't officially with that stupid proposition, but there are still civil unions or whatever, right?"

 

Zach shrugged and tried to ignore the butterflies that spread in his stomach.  "Nah.  We may be gay but we're still guys."

 

Tori laughed.  "Okay, monkey."  She wrapped her arms tightly around Zach, leaning in for one more hug. "Promise me you won't be a stranger."

 

"I promise," Zach whispered, kissing her on her cheek softly.  "I'm here for you now.  Anytime you need me.  And you really do have to come and visit."

 

She nodded.  "You've grown, Zach," she said.  "You're more sure of yourself.  I'm really proud of you."

 

And Zach knew he had to accept that she was right when he realized he was proud of himself too.

 

***