Fic: What I Want
Mar. 27th, 2009 10:28 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
girloftheburbs.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
shelter_dinerTitle: What I Want (Gapfiller)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
girloftheburbs
Beta: The fantasticmactwck
Fandom: Shelter Movie (See the trailer at YouTube)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, unfortunately.
Summary: Zach figures out what he wants, and Gabe wonders.
Author Notes: This occurs right after the scenes with Zach and Shaun being interrupted by Gabe's untimely arrival at the mansion, and Zach's confrontation with Jeanne, about bringing his nephew, Cody, around Shaun. Since this is a gapfiller, it contains some lines from the script. Any mistakes are mine.
Zach sat at the cookout, next to Gabe, feeling very isolated and lonely, even though people surrounded him. Gabe was telling a funny story he'd heard before, but Zach couldn't get his mind off what Jeanne had said, which had sounded a little like a threat; if he didn’t comply he'd risk getting kicked out of her life, her house, and Cody's life. He couldn't afford that, emotionally or financially, so he fell back on old patterns of using his family to withdraw.
He stood up abruptly from the lawn chair, hearing Gabe calling his name but he didn't stop, just continued swiftly into the house, past Shaun sitting inside on the living room couch, who had been laying low during the party. He unlocked his car, slumped into the driver's seat, unwelcome thoughts colliding with each other.
Suddenly, he heard a rap on the passenger-side window, and he saw Shaun's handsome face appear. His heart stopped, then started up double-time when Shaun opened up the door and got in. "Hey," Shaun greeted. Zach couldn't bear to look at him or he would lose his resolve for what he was about to do, what he felt he had to do.
"I need some time. I just don't know if this is really what I want." The words came out painfully, and he could barely hold in the vast pain in his chest. You’re such a liar, he thought; he wanted Shaun more than his next breathe, but he was feeling cornered.
"It seems like what you want." Shaun's voice was bewildered, and full of disbelief. Things had been going so well, before Gabe had shown up, and before their ridiculous charade of wildly throwing on clothes, and Zach sneaking out, like their whole summer had meant nothing more than a casual fling. Not again, fuck, not again! Shaun thought.
"I just don't know if this is what I want, for good." Zach looked out the side window, his face tight. I can’t lose the only family I have, and if I have to give up Shaun to keep it, it’s what I have to do.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Shaun's sense of dread started, and he knew being in limbo was not something he was good at. He’d rather break things off than do that again, like he’d been doing with his last boyfriend, Bobby.
"It's not as easy for me as it is for you. This is all totally new to me." Zach turned toward the window when tears streamed down his face, as much as he tried to stop them.
"Look, we'll get through the Gabe thing..." Shaun started, thinking if this was what Zach’s problem was, he knew his brother would be cool about it.
Zach turned to look at Shaun, thinking it was so much more than just Gabe, it was Jeanne, it was Tori, it was all their friends, and what would everyone think of him?
"No, it's not that, Shaun. You just don't get it, okay? I can't just take whatever I want. My life is not like that!"
“You'll never get what you want unless you take it!” Shaun said slowly, urgently, desperately trying to get Zach to see reason, that he didn't need to blow things up, although he understood that the coming out process to everyone was not easy, for anyone. Shit, he had gone through quite the drama when he came out during college.
"Take it? You know, you and Gabe have always been able to point and take, no questions asked. You don't realize that it's not like that for other people. It's fucking ignorant."
"Oh, and you and Jeanne just blame everyone else because you can't do anything for yourselves? What do you call that? Look... fuck!" Shaun ground out, "Why are you doing this?"
"Don't get all emotional and faggy on me, okay?" said Zach, as tears coursed down his cheeks.
Shaun thought distantly that if it hadn't been such a terrible moment, he'd tease Zach about the irony. “What?!?!”
“I'm sick of being your childhood wet dream, Shaun. Find another fucking fantasy," Zach shot back. Shaun recoiled, stung, knowing that he shouldn't have shared with that little crush he'd developed on Zach, when he had filmed the zany little home video of Gabe and Zach skateboarding when they were 16. He almost regretted including that barely veiled reference in his book three years ago.
Zach was now throwing his little secret back at him now. "I'm done."
"Fucking coward."
"I'm done. Get out!" Shaun felt utter shock, but he recognized the steel in Zach's words, so he blindly got out of the car. Zach could see him quickly walk up the drive and into the house. What had he done?
Shaun opened the front door of the mansion with shaky fingers, the adrenalin making him clumsy, and slowly ascended the stairs, shell-shocked. This was the weekend he was going to tell Zach he loved him, that he had mailed in the application for Cal Arts, and he would try to convince him to come and live with him in L.A., since he lived near the school. He cursed, knowing Jeanne would come between them, he just knew it. She used Zach's affection and family responsibility toward his nephew against him like a finely-tuned vice, turning it whichever way she wanted to force Zach to comply, he thought bitterly. He collapsed on the bed face down, not wanting to think about anything, but unable to think of anything else.
The next morning, Shaun heard Gabe stumbling out of his room, muttering, "Fuck! My head is fucking pounding. Hey Shaun!" Shaun heard the door open, as his brother always was wont to do without knocking, unless the door was locked, and Gabe said, "Hey bro...", with a little less enthusiasm than usual. "Where's the aspirin?"
Shaun hadn't slept more than a few minutes the whole night, and he felt as wrecked as Gabe, but for a different reason. He didn't say anything, just covered his head with the pillow.
"Bro, what's up? I didn't see you leave the party. Shaun?" Gabe looked at his brother, who was uncharacteristically hiding underneath the covers. He had figured out that his brother and his best friend were together now, from the rumors of them being seen together all the time, and the deal with the t-shirt and the car in the drive, but didn’t know what was wrong now, since they had both seemed really happy lately.
Shaun just groaned, so Gabe walked up and pulled off the pillow, to find his brother's tear-streaked, puffy face. Shaun quickly moved his hand over his eyes.
"Okay man, I’ve gotta be honest with you, I know your secret; you’re with Zach now, right? What’s with all the drama at the party? I saw Zach leave and here you are, all weird.”
Shaun slowly shook his head, not wanting to say anything, and he was a little shocked that Gabe knew. Gabe sat down on the side of the bed, putting his hand on his brother's shoulder. He knew the big secret, and he knew it wouldn't change his deep friendship with his buddy either.
"Look bro, it's cool, okay? It's a little fucking weird, but he's my best bud.”
Shaun gave him a pained look, but he didn't deny anything. "He broke it off last night," he whispered.
Gabe sensed his brother's anguish, not really sure what to say. He normally would tease him a little about finding a new one, but he looked pretty devastated this morning, and he looked like he'd been crying all night, and his friend was also involved. "Want me to go talk to him?"
"No," Shaun said quickly. "He's got to do this on his own, or he'll feel cornered and never come back." I can’t do this right now, Shaun thought, I’m supposed to be the strong, sensible one. Fuck, Gabe knows! I don’t want Zach to think I’ve betrayed him by telling Gabe. He turned his head back to the bed, pulling back the pillow from his brother’s hands.
Gabe felt an intense sadness for his brother, and for his best friend, and wondered why some couples had to make things so hard for each other. It had been the same way with Zach and Tori, and he had urged Zach to break it off with her years before; Zach hadn’t seemed that happy when he was with her, despite the friendship. "Okay bud, I've gotta take off back to uni in a couple hours. Are you okay? Do you want me to stay for a few days?”
There was a pause, then "Naw, I'll be fine."
"You sure?" His brother didn’t look fine; he looked a little wrecked, and he hesitated.
"Yeah." Shaun didn’t want his brother around right now, he wanted to pull himself together on his own, like he usually did.
"Okay. You better call me sometime, bro." He squeezed his brother’s shoulder in his attempt to comfort him. He sat there looking at Shaun, and wondered how Zach was doing. If he knew his friend well, he’d be in a similar state if he cared about him at all.
"Alright,” Shaun said, willing his brother to just leave him alone.
Gabe got up, and slowly walked out of the room, resolving to talk to Zach when he went over to see him at the diner. These two were more alike than they knew, and they belonged together. He decided to see what the story was, to see if Zach cared about his brother, because by the look on Shaun’s face, he knew his brother was in love with his friend. He was determined to find out the real story so the two people he cared most about could either patch things up, or if he could just talk to Zach, to tell him he knew. He had a feeling that part of the problem was that Zach didn’t want anyone to know, especially him, and would fear losing his friendship. He was also pretty upset to know that Zach hadn’t confided in him, that really killed him about this whole thing. They’d told each other everything. He knew all about the Tori situation, so he didn’t understand why Zach would keep this from him.
When he arrived at the diner, he could see Zach through the window, cleaning up after the lunchtime rush. After banging on the window a few times, Zach let him in. He searched his friend’s face, noting the puffy eyes and downturn of his mouth. He only looked like that when something was really bothering him. Ah, he’s got it as bad as Shaun.
Zach served him coffee, and Gabe told him that he knew. Zach looked a little shell-shocked, and denied it for a while, but then he finally admitted it, but had said it’s over now, just leave it, dude. Gabe knew it wasn’t as simple as just being over, so he told him he knew, he supported him, and that nothing had to change. He couldn’t help asking a few questions, like do they give better head, and do you think he’s hot, but that was just his natural curiosity and saying anything that entered his head. His heart was in the right place, at least, but he was contrite when Zach snapped at him to shut the fuck up.
He manhandled his friend into a bear hug, then left the diner, watching Zach for a moment, wishing he could do more, but he knew what he’d said had made an impact. Now it was time for Zach to think about it, and act on it, either way.
After Gabe left, Zach finished cleaning up and locked the front door of the diner. He rode his skateboard over to the mural on the way home, feeling vast sadness and despair when seeing the big red heart with the word “Love” emblazoned in the middle. Shit, Gabe knows! Jeannie knows... He felt a little frozen by indecision, wanting to be with Shaun so badly he could barely function, but feeling that he had to put his needs aside to be there for his nephew, who was still so little, and Cody was more important than anyone, he thought.
Several days passed, and he went through the routine by rote, alternating between numbness and unadulterated pain in missing Shaun. One night, as he was sitting back in the front seat of his truck, not moving, in utter melancholy, he heard the tone of his cell phone, notifying him of a new voice mail message. After listening, he was slowly shocked to find out that his application to Cal Arts had been accepted, which was sent from the Pacific Beach address (what the...), and he would need to call them back to follow up. Zach snapped closed his cell phone, realizing that Shaun had sent in his portfolio and application to the school. He could hardly believe it after what a shit he’d been to him lately, not taking his calls, and blowing him off. He started to realize that everything his sister had said to him about Shaun wasn’t true, that he was just a "summer fuck". It couldn’t be more untrue, that she was just messing with his mind again to get what she wanted, a permanent babysitter for her son.
He parked outside the house and sat in the car for a while, until he heard an alarm clock start to beep, and not stop.
When he went in to turn off Jeanne’s alarm, he woke her up, and that’s when she dropped her bombshell. She had decided to move to Oregon with Alan, but she was not taking Cody with her.
Zach left the house and got in his truck, and went off driving like he did when he was upset. He drove and drove, and before he knew it, he realized he had started in the direction of Cal Arts, so he continued until he pulled off the 5 freeway, and exited McBean Parkway in Valencia. It was still the middle of the night, so he parked in the school parking lot, and leaned back, closing his eyes for just a moment...
He woke with a start when he heard a loud radio booming nearby. He looked out the window, and saw students walking all over the school grounds, and cars parked in nearby slots. He checked his watch; it was 7:45 in the morning, so he got out of the car, walked over to the campus, found a restroom to wash his face, tucked in his shirt, and went to the admissions building, with the help of a nearby student.
An hour later, after speaking with a guidance counselor, he felt elation unlike anything he’d felt before, besides... well, he wouldn’t think about that now. He’d been offered a full-ride scholarship, like the last time he’d applied. He shook his head in disbelief, smiling.
He drove back to San Pedro, his mind racing with all the possibilities. He didn’t know how he could pull this off, knowing that he still had to be there for Cody, but at least he wouldn’t have to worry about being there for his sister. He called Tori, who agreed to meet him at their spot at the beach. He told her that he’d been accepted to the school, that Jeannie was going to Oregon, that he always had wanted to be there for her, that she was the only reason he wished he wasn’t gay. She told him that she already knew about him and Shaun, that he needed to figure it out how he could achieve his dreams while with Cody, and hopefully with Shaun in his life.
He asked Tori if he could crash at her place for the night, after she joked that he couldn’t fuck her (yeah right), and he followed her back to her place. She ordered a pizza, and Zach sat slumped on the couch. She joined him there, and gave him a big hug.
She pulled back, then said, "Zach. Look at me."
Zach looked up reluctantly, not sure how to act, now that she knew everything. "How did you find out?"
"Oh come on." She gently shoved his arm back a little, and they both burst out laughing. "I could totally tell when we were on the beach, and you two were throwing the Frisbee back and forth. You weren’t exactly subtle, I could tell you were crushing on him."
"No way."
"You were giggling like a little girl with a schoolyard crush. You totally ignored me, and when Billy asked if he could go out with me, you followed Shaun down the beach!" She grinned, and Zach blushed, and pulled on the shredded threads at his knee.
"I know you love him. You don’t have to say it." Zach was silent, but his eyes told her he did. “So... let’s figure out a way for you to go to Cal Arts, and get Shaun back."
Zach’s fingers stilled, and he looked up, looking a little hopeful, but then the pained expression returned, and he looked down again, defeated.
"Zach, come on, you’ve done everything for your sister. Isn’t it time you did something for yourself?"
"I don’t know how I’ll go to Cal Arts with Cody."
"You can do it, and didn’t Shaun ask if you’d come with him to L.A.? He lives close to the school, right?"
Zach looked at his friend, realizing that she was right. He’d have to at least try, his whole future rested on what he did next. He was tired of giving up his dreams for other people. He was going to go out on a limb and go for the whole thing, like he’d never done before. "So what do I do, just go to him and say here I am? I can’t do that."
"Why not? That man is totally smitten, I could tell. I have a feeling that he may be up for this challenge." She paused, then said, "You never know until you ask."
The next morning, he left Tori’s house, full of determination. He was going for the gold this time, and nothing could stop him. If Jeannie was going to get what she wanted, he was going to do his best to get what he wanted. If she didn’t like it, she could just stay and take care of her son herself.
He drove over to the beach house, heart pounding the whole time, hoping that Shaun was still there, and that he could convince him that he’d made a terrible mistake in judgment by pushing him away. He knew he deserved to be pushed away for what he’d done to Shaun, but he had to at least try, or to tell him that he loved him so he’d know.
Once he arrived, he walked up to the door, but was horrified to find a suitcase sitting outside, although Shaun was nowhere to be seen. He looked around with trepidation for a few minutes, but didn’t hear anything. He walked in cautiously, and then heard some footsteps in the kitchen. He peered slightly into the room and felt a jolt when he saw Shaun, making a sandwich. Zach’s heart constricted when he saw the man, who looked more handsome than he’d remembered, and that was saying a lot, but he looked grim. He felt terrible, hoping he hadn’t been the one to cause that wrinkle on his brow and the bags under his eyes.
He had a flash of an idea, so he crept up the stairs and into the bedroom, searching quickly around for the walkie-talkie, and found it on the bed side table. He snatched it up and crept back down the stairs, pausing on the way when he saw Shaun passing by to the laundry room. He waited a moment, and then when he was out of sight, he walked all the way down the stairs, and out the front door. He carefully placed the walkie-talkie on the suitcase top, and then went back down into the outside spa area to wait.
He could hear footsteps again, so he pressed the call button on the walkie-talkie in his hand. He was grateful for Cody, who had taken it with him one day to play with, and had left it in his car. He didn’t hear a response on the talkie, so he pressed it again a few times. He looked up and saw Shaun holding the device, so he said "Say something."
Gratefully, a few moments later, he heard the reply back, "You say something."
Zach grinned a little, and said, "Student was bad, made bad judgment call, not see truth." He was so nervous he could barely walk up the steps.
"Where are you?" Shaun walked outside, turning around a bit, then walked toward the lawn chairs.
"Getting warmer." Shaun walked past him and onto the grass. "Colder." Shaun walked back a little, looking for him. "Turn around." He walked up a few steps onto the patio, and saw Shaun grin at him, then his smile faded, now showing a pained, sorrowful expression. Zach’s heart constricted. He could barely move the words past his lips, "I’m so sorry." The pain was palpable between them.
Shaun glared at him for a few moments, then said, "You better be."
"You sent in my application?" He looked Shaun in the eyes, and waited.
"Yeah." Shaun paused. Zach looked down, not knowing what to say next. "Why are you here? What changed?"
Zach said the only thing he could say, "I did." Nothing was more true than that. "Will you help me?" He gripped the walkie-talkie, turning it over and over in his hands.
Shaun’s expression changed, looking surprised, and a little hopeful. "Are you serious? Of course. Anything."
Zach smiled and said, "Anything?" A wave of relief washed over him, and he smiled, more than he’d smiled in the past couple of weeks.
"Yes!"
"I got in. Full ride."
"Yes! I knew it! Are you serious?"
"Yeah. I really want to go this time."
"Of course."
"I turned down the scholarship before." Shaun looked in disbelief at him. "Yeah. My mom, Cody, everything. I just couldn’t walk out. I never told anyone."
"Wow." Shaun looked shocked.
"I really wanna go this time. And you did say you live close..." Zach waited, holding his breath, knowing it was a lot to ask, after all he’d put the poor man through.
Shaun waited a beat, then said, "Well, then let’s do it."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. So proud of you, man. So proud." Shaun folded him into a close hug, and Zach held on like he would never let go.
Zach waited for Shaun to step back a bit, and he said, "There’s something else I have to tell you."
Shaun gave him a slight grin, then turned and guided him into the house. "I was just packing up to go back to L.A. I wasn’t sure if I should wait for you to come to your senses, but I need to get back there and move into my new place."
"I know. I’m an idiot."
"It’s okay. It’s nicer than what I did to my first boyfriend." Shaun smiled at him, and Zach smiled back, and took his hand. "So what is this last thing you need to tell me?"
"It’s a lot. I know we only talked about us moving in together in L.A., but there’s someone else who would also need to come with us." Shaun looked at him a moment in confusion. "It’s Cody. Jeanne is taking off with Alan to Oregon, and she’s leaving behind her son!" He shook his head in disbelief, and Shaun stopped, holding onto his arm.
"You’re fucking kidding me." Shaun paused, and put his hands on his hips. "Why does that not surprise me? It’s just Jeanne!" He pulled Zach over to the couch, and they both sat down. "So you’re saying that if you come with me, we’ll have Cody full-time, for at least a half year."
Zach nodded. "I know it’s not what you thought when you asked me to come with you."
Shaun pulled Zach into a hug, then kissed him, and held his face in his hands. "This is quite a big step. I love the kid, but wow." He took Zach’s hands in his, and they sat for a few minutes, just looking at each other.
"If you don’t want to take this on, I’ll understand." Zach’s mouth turned down, and he did his best to hold in the tears filling up in his eyes.
"When is Jeanne leaving town?"
"Today. I have to be at the house by 4:00 p.m."
Shaun chuckled. "You are asking for quite a bit."
"I know." Zach just waited for Shaun’s decision.
"When I came down here this summer, I wanted to get away and think. I never expected to see you again... to fall in love with you."
Zach looked up sharply, and the tears in his eyes spilled over, he couldn’t help it anymore. Shaun is telling me goodbye, he thought, there’s no way he’ll go for this.
"You know what this means, don’t you?" Shaun squeezed Zach’s hands between his own.
"What does this mean?"
"We’re gonna be a family, and you won’t be able to run off like you did before. Cody needs a stable home, as much as can be provided while Jeanne is off doing whatever in Oregon."
"You... you’re okay with this?" Zach’s mouth dropped open, and he could hardly believe it.
"Yeah, yeah, it’s not what I expected to find, but... it’s what I want too." Shaun smiled, kissing Zach again, and Zach grabbed him and held him so hard he could hardly breathe.
Zach buried his face in Shaun’s shoulder, and whispered, "I love you too."
"I know." Shaun unfolded himself from Zach, and led him upstairs, gently pulling him with him so they could reconnect, after the excruciatingly painful two weeks.
At 3:00 p.m., Zach and Shaun exited the mansion, holding hands. "I don’t know if it’s a good idea for me to be there when you see Jeanne. She may not like to see me there."
"I don’t give a shit what she wants. She’s leaving her son, so she can either accept us or she can stay!" Zach burst out.
Shaun nodded, liking this new and decisive man, so they walked over to his Volvo. Zach went to his car and grabbed the car seat, and Shaun helped him install it in the back seat. "Jeanne is going to flip, isn’t she?"
"Yep."
Two hours later, they were back at the mansion, with Cody in tow. Cody had been so happy to see Shaun, he had been glued to his side all evening. Jeanne had flipped out, but once Zach had given her the choice of he and Shaun, or staying in San Pedro, Jeanne had finally agreed to trust him with her boy. It had taken some convincing, but they had worked it out.
Gabe hung up the phone, laughing and shaking his head. Zach had called him to update him on his plans. He would never have believed it, but it was true. Zach had reconciled with Shaun, he was moving with him to L.A., he was going to attend Cal Arts, and Cody was going with them. He’d kidded with Zach about them becoming the family in the suburbs, with the pink picket fence, but he couldn’t be more happy for them if he’d tried. "Holy shit, Zach buddy, you’re on your way."
Author:
girloftheburbsBeta: The fantastic
mactwckFandom: Shelter Movie (See the trailer at YouTube)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, unfortunately.
Summary: Zach figures out what he wants, and Gabe wonders.
Author Notes: This occurs right after the scenes with Zach and Shaun being interrupted by Gabe's untimely arrival at the mansion, and Zach's confrontation with Jeanne, about bringing his nephew, Cody, around Shaun. Since this is a gapfiller, it contains some lines from the script. Any mistakes are mine.
Zach sat at the cookout, next to Gabe, feeling very isolated and lonely, even though people surrounded him. Gabe was telling a funny story he'd heard before, but Zach couldn't get his mind off what Jeanne had said, which had sounded a little like a threat; if he didn’t comply he'd risk getting kicked out of her life, her house, and Cody's life. He couldn't afford that, emotionally or financially, so he fell back on old patterns of using his family to withdraw.
He stood up abruptly from the lawn chair, hearing Gabe calling his name but he didn't stop, just continued swiftly into the house, past Shaun sitting inside on the living room couch, who had been laying low during the party. He unlocked his car, slumped into the driver's seat, unwelcome thoughts colliding with each other.
Suddenly, he heard a rap on the passenger-side window, and he saw Shaun's handsome face appear. His heart stopped, then started up double-time when Shaun opened up the door and got in. "Hey," Shaun greeted. Zach couldn't bear to look at him or he would lose his resolve for what he was about to do, what he felt he had to do.
"I need some time. I just don't know if this is really what I want." The words came out painfully, and he could barely hold in the vast pain in his chest. You’re such a liar, he thought; he wanted Shaun more than his next breathe, but he was feeling cornered.
"It seems like what you want." Shaun's voice was bewildered, and full of disbelief. Things had been going so well, before Gabe had shown up, and before their ridiculous charade of wildly throwing on clothes, and Zach sneaking out, like their whole summer had meant nothing more than a casual fling. Not again, fuck, not again! Shaun thought.
"I just don't know if this is what I want, for good." Zach looked out the side window, his face tight. I can’t lose the only family I have, and if I have to give up Shaun to keep it, it’s what I have to do.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Shaun's sense of dread started, and he knew being in limbo was not something he was good at. He’d rather break things off than do that again, like he’d been doing with his last boyfriend, Bobby.
"It's not as easy for me as it is for you. This is all totally new to me." Zach turned toward the window when tears streamed down his face, as much as he tried to stop them.
"Look, we'll get through the Gabe thing..." Shaun started, thinking if this was what Zach’s problem was, he knew his brother would be cool about it.
Zach turned to look at Shaun, thinking it was so much more than just Gabe, it was Jeanne, it was Tori, it was all their friends, and what would everyone think of him?
"No, it's not that, Shaun. You just don't get it, okay? I can't just take whatever I want. My life is not like that!"
“You'll never get what you want unless you take it!” Shaun said slowly, urgently, desperately trying to get Zach to see reason, that he didn't need to blow things up, although he understood that the coming out process to everyone was not easy, for anyone. Shit, he had gone through quite the drama when he came out during college.
"Take it? You know, you and Gabe have always been able to point and take, no questions asked. You don't realize that it's not like that for other people. It's fucking ignorant."
"Oh, and you and Jeanne just blame everyone else because you can't do anything for yourselves? What do you call that? Look... fuck!" Shaun ground out, "Why are you doing this?"
"Don't get all emotional and faggy on me, okay?" said Zach, as tears coursed down his cheeks.
Shaun thought distantly that if it hadn't been such a terrible moment, he'd tease Zach about the irony. “What?!?!”
“I'm sick of being your childhood wet dream, Shaun. Find another fucking fantasy," Zach shot back. Shaun recoiled, stung, knowing that he shouldn't have shared with that little crush he'd developed on Zach, when he had filmed the zany little home video of Gabe and Zach skateboarding when they were 16. He almost regretted including that barely veiled reference in his book three years ago.
Zach was now throwing his little secret back at him now. "I'm done."
"Fucking coward."
"I'm done. Get out!" Shaun felt utter shock, but he recognized the steel in Zach's words, so he blindly got out of the car. Zach could see him quickly walk up the drive and into the house. What had he done?
Shaun opened the front door of the mansion with shaky fingers, the adrenalin making him clumsy, and slowly ascended the stairs, shell-shocked. This was the weekend he was going to tell Zach he loved him, that he had mailed in the application for Cal Arts, and he would try to convince him to come and live with him in L.A., since he lived near the school. He cursed, knowing Jeanne would come between them, he just knew it. She used Zach's affection and family responsibility toward his nephew against him like a finely-tuned vice, turning it whichever way she wanted to force Zach to comply, he thought bitterly. He collapsed on the bed face down, not wanting to think about anything, but unable to think of anything else.
The next morning, Shaun heard Gabe stumbling out of his room, muttering, "Fuck! My head is fucking pounding. Hey Shaun!" Shaun heard the door open, as his brother always was wont to do without knocking, unless the door was locked, and Gabe said, "Hey bro...", with a little less enthusiasm than usual. "Where's the aspirin?"
Shaun hadn't slept more than a few minutes the whole night, and he felt as wrecked as Gabe, but for a different reason. He didn't say anything, just covered his head with the pillow.
"Bro, what's up? I didn't see you leave the party. Shaun?" Gabe looked at his brother, who was uncharacteristically hiding underneath the covers. He had figured out that his brother and his best friend were together now, from the rumors of them being seen together all the time, and the deal with the t-shirt and the car in the drive, but didn’t know what was wrong now, since they had both seemed really happy lately.
Shaun just groaned, so Gabe walked up and pulled off the pillow, to find his brother's tear-streaked, puffy face. Shaun quickly moved his hand over his eyes.
"Okay man, I’ve gotta be honest with you, I know your secret; you’re with Zach now, right? What’s with all the drama at the party? I saw Zach leave and here you are, all weird.”
Shaun slowly shook his head, not wanting to say anything, and he was a little shocked that Gabe knew. Gabe sat down on the side of the bed, putting his hand on his brother's shoulder. He knew the big secret, and he knew it wouldn't change his deep friendship with his buddy either.
"Look bro, it's cool, okay? It's a little fucking weird, but he's my best bud.”
Shaun gave him a pained look, but he didn't deny anything. "He broke it off last night," he whispered.
Gabe sensed his brother's anguish, not really sure what to say. He normally would tease him a little about finding a new one, but he looked pretty devastated this morning, and he looked like he'd been crying all night, and his friend was also involved. "Want me to go talk to him?"
"No," Shaun said quickly. "He's got to do this on his own, or he'll feel cornered and never come back." I can’t do this right now, Shaun thought, I’m supposed to be the strong, sensible one. Fuck, Gabe knows! I don’t want Zach to think I’ve betrayed him by telling Gabe. He turned his head back to the bed, pulling back the pillow from his brother’s hands.
Gabe felt an intense sadness for his brother, and for his best friend, and wondered why some couples had to make things so hard for each other. It had been the same way with Zach and Tori, and he had urged Zach to break it off with her years before; Zach hadn’t seemed that happy when he was with her, despite the friendship. "Okay bud, I've gotta take off back to uni in a couple hours. Are you okay? Do you want me to stay for a few days?”
There was a pause, then "Naw, I'll be fine."
"You sure?" His brother didn’t look fine; he looked a little wrecked, and he hesitated.
"Yeah." Shaun didn’t want his brother around right now, he wanted to pull himself together on his own, like he usually did.
"Okay. You better call me sometime, bro." He squeezed his brother’s shoulder in his attempt to comfort him. He sat there looking at Shaun, and wondered how Zach was doing. If he knew his friend well, he’d be in a similar state if he cared about him at all.
"Alright,” Shaun said, willing his brother to just leave him alone.
Gabe got up, and slowly walked out of the room, resolving to talk to Zach when he went over to see him at the diner. These two were more alike than they knew, and they belonged together. He decided to see what the story was, to see if Zach cared about his brother, because by the look on Shaun’s face, he knew his brother was in love with his friend. He was determined to find out the real story so the two people he cared most about could either patch things up, or if he could just talk to Zach, to tell him he knew. He had a feeling that part of the problem was that Zach didn’t want anyone to know, especially him, and would fear losing his friendship. He was also pretty upset to know that Zach hadn’t confided in him, that really killed him about this whole thing. They’d told each other everything. He knew all about the Tori situation, so he didn’t understand why Zach would keep this from him.
When he arrived at the diner, he could see Zach through the window, cleaning up after the lunchtime rush. After banging on the window a few times, Zach let him in. He searched his friend’s face, noting the puffy eyes and downturn of his mouth. He only looked like that when something was really bothering him. Ah, he’s got it as bad as Shaun.
Zach served him coffee, and Gabe told him that he knew. Zach looked a little shell-shocked, and denied it for a while, but then he finally admitted it, but had said it’s over now, just leave it, dude. Gabe knew it wasn’t as simple as just being over, so he told him he knew, he supported him, and that nothing had to change. He couldn’t help asking a few questions, like do they give better head, and do you think he’s hot, but that was just his natural curiosity and saying anything that entered his head. His heart was in the right place, at least, but he was contrite when Zach snapped at him to shut the fuck up.
He manhandled his friend into a bear hug, then left the diner, watching Zach for a moment, wishing he could do more, but he knew what he’d said had made an impact. Now it was time for Zach to think about it, and act on it, either way.
After Gabe left, Zach finished cleaning up and locked the front door of the diner. He rode his skateboard over to the mural on the way home, feeling vast sadness and despair when seeing the big red heart with the word “Love” emblazoned in the middle. Shit, Gabe knows! Jeannie knows... He felt a little frozen by indecision, wanting to be with Shaun so badly he could barely function, but feeling that he had to put his needs aside to be there for his nephew, who was still so little, and Cody was more important than anyone, he thought.
Several days passed, and he went through the routine by rote, alternating between numbness and unadulterated pain in missing Shaun. One night, as he was sitting back in the front seat of his truck, not moving, in utter melancholy, he heard the tone of his cell phone, notifying him of a new voice mail message. After listening, he was slowly shocked to find out that his application to Cal Arts had been accepted, which was sent from the Pacific Beach address (what the...), and he would need to call them back to follow up. Zach snapped closed his cell phone, realizing that Shaun had sent in his portfolio and application to the school. He could hardly believe it after what a shit he’d been to him lately, not taking his calls, and blowing him off. He started to realize that everything his sister had said to him about Shaun wasn’t true, that he was just a "summer fuck". It couldn’t be more untrue, that she was just messing with his mind again to get what she wanted, a permanent babysitter for her son.
He parked outside the house and sat in the car for a while, until he heard an alarm clock start to beep, and not stop.
When he went in to turn off Jeanne’s alarm, he woke her up, and that’s when she dropped her bombshell. She had decided to move to Oregon with Alan, but she was not taking Cody with her.
Zach left the house and got in his truck, and went off driving like he did when he was upset. He drove and drove, and before he knew it, he realized he had started in the direction of Cal Arts, so he continued until he pulled off the 5 freeway, and exited McBean Parkway in Valencia. It was still the middle of the night, so he parked in the school parking lot, and leaned back, closing his eyes for just a moment...
He woke with a start when he heard a loud radio booming nearby. He looked out the window, and saw students walking all over the school grounds, and cars parked in nearby slots. He checked his watch; it was 7:45 in the morning, so he got out of the car, walked over to the campus, found a restroom to wash his face, tucked in his shirt, and went to the admissions building, with the help of a nearby student.
An hour later, after speaking with a guidance counselor, he felt elation unlike anything he’d felt before, besides... well, he wouldn’t think about that now. He’d been offered a full-ride scholarship, like the last time he’d applied. He shook his head in disbelief, smiling.
He drove back to San Pedro, his mind racing with all the possibilities. He didn’t know how he could pull this off, knowing that he still had to be there for Cody, but at least he wouldn’t have to worry about being there for his sister. He called Tori, who agreed to meet him at their spot at the beach. He told her that he’d been accepted to the school, that Jeannie was going to Oregon, that he always had wanted to be there for her, that she was the only reason he wished he wasn’t gay. She told him that she already knew about him and Shaun, that he needed to figure it out how he could achieve his dreams while with Cody, and hopefully with Shaun in his life.
He asked Tori if he could crash at her place for the night, after she joked that he couldn’t fuck her (yeah right), and he followed her back to her place. She ordered a pizza, and Zach sat slumped on the couch. She joined him there, and gave him a big hug.
She pulled back, then said, "Zach. Look at me."
Zach looked up reluctantly, not sure how to act, now that she knew everything. "How did you find out?"
"Oh come on." She gently shoved his arm back a little, and they both burst out laughing. "I could totally tell when we were on the beach, and you two were throwing the Frisbee back and forth. You weren’t exactly subtle, I could tell you were crushing on him."
"No way."
"You were giggling like a little girl with a schoolyard crush. You totally ignored me, and when Billy asked if he could go out with me, you followed Shaun down the beach!" She grinned, and Zach blushed, and pulled on the shredded threads at his knee.
"I know you love him. You don’t have to say it." Zach was silent, but his eyes told her he did. “So... let’s figure out a way for you to go to Cal Arts, and get Shaun back."
Zach’s fingers stilled, and he looked up, looking a little hopeful, but then the pained expression returned, and he looked down again, defeated.
"Zach, come on, you’ve done everything for your sister. Isn’t it time you did something for yourself?"
"I don’t know how I’ll go to Cal Arts with Cody."
"You can do it, and didn’t Shaun ask if you’d come with him to L.A.? He lives close to the school, right?"
Zach looked at his friend, realizing that she was right. He’d have to at least try, his whole future rested on what he did next. He was tired of giving up his dreams for other people. He was going to go out on a limb and go for the whole thing, like he’d never done before. "So what do I do, just go to him and say here I am? I can’t do that."
"Why not? That man is totally smitten, I could tell. I have a feeling that he may be up for this challenge." She paused, then said, "You never know until you ask."
The next morning, he left Tori’s house, full of determination. He was going for the gold this time, and nothing could stop him. If Jeannie was going to get what she wanted, he was going to do his best to get what he wanted. If she didn’t like it, she could just stay and take care of her son herself.
He drove over to the beach house, heart pounding the whole time, hoping that Shaun was still there, and that he could convince him that he’d made a terrible mistake in judgment by pushing him away. He knew he deserved to be pushed away for what he’d done to Shaun, but he had to at least try, or to tell him that he loved him so he’d know.
Once he arrived, he walked up to the door, but was horrified to find a suitcase sitting outside, although Shaun was nowhere to be seen. He looked around with trepidation for a few minutes, but didn’t hear anything. He walked in cautiously, and then heard some footsteps in the kitchen. He peered slightly into the room and felt a jolt when he saw Shaun, making a sandwich. Zach’s heart constricted when he saw the man, who looked more handsome than he’d remembered, and that was saying a lot, but he looked grim. He felt terrible, hoping he hadn’t been the one to cause that wrinkle on his brow and the bags under his eyes.
He had a flash of an idea, so he crept up the stairs and into the bedroom, searching quickly around for the walkie-talkie, and found it on the bed side table. He snatched it up and crept back down the stairs, pausing on the way when he saw Shaun passing by to the laundry room. He waited a moment, and then when he was out of sight, he walked all the way down the stairs, and out the front door. He carefully placed the walkie-talkie on the suitcase top, and then went back down into the outside spa area to wait.
He could hear footsteps again, so he pressed the call button on the walkie-talkie in his hand. He was grateful for Cody, who had taken it with him one day to play with, and had left it in his car. He didn’t hear a response on the talkie, so he pressed it again a few times. He looked up and saw Shaun holding the device, so he said "Say something."
Gratefully, a few moments later, he heard the reply back, "You say something."
Zach grinned a little, and said, "Student was bad, made bad judgment call, not see truth." He was so nervous he could barely walk up the steps.
"Where are you?" Shaun walked outside, turning around a bit, then walked toward the lawn chairs.
"Getting warmer." Shaun walked past him and onto the grass. "Colder." Shaun walked back a little, looking for him. "Turn around." He walked up a few steps onto the patio, and saw Shaun grin at him, then his smile faded, now showing a pained, sorrowful expression. Zach’s heart constricted. He could barely move the words past his lips, "I’m so sorry." The pain was palpable between them.
Shaun glared at him for a few moments, then said, "You better be."
"You sent in my application?" He looked Shaun in the eyes, and waited.
"Yeah." Shaun paused. Zach looked down, not knowing what to say next. "Why are you here? What changed?"
Zach said the only thing he could say, "I did." Nothing was more true than that. "Will you help me?" He gripped the walkie-talkie, turning it over and over in his hands.
Shaun’s expression changed, looking surprised, and a little hopeful. "Are you serious? Of course. Anything."
Zach smiled and said, "Anything?" A wave of relief washed over him, and he smiled, more than he’d smiled in the past couple of weeks.
"Yes!"
"I got in. Full ride."
"Yes! I knew it! Are you serious?"
"Yeah. I really want to go this time."
"Of course."
"I turned down the scholarship before." Shaun looked in disbelief at him. "Yeah. My mom, Cody, everything. I just couldn’t walk out. I never told anyone."
"Wow." Shaun looked shocked.
"I really wanna go this time. And you did say you live close..." Zach waited, holding his breath, knowing it was a lot to ask, after all he’d put the poor man through.
Shaun waited a beat, then said, "Well, then let’s do it."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. So proud of you, man. So proud." Shaun folded him into a close hug, and Zach held on like he would never let go.
Zach waited for Shaun to step back a bit, and he said, "There’s something else I have to tell you."
Shaun gave him a slight grin, then turned and guided him into the house. "I was just packing up to go back to L.A. I wasn’t sure if I should wait for you to come to your senses, but I need to get back there and move into my new place."
"I know. I’m an idiot."
"It’s okay. It’s nicer than what I did to my first boyfriend." Shaun smiled at him, and Zach smiled back, and took his hand. "So what is this last thing you need to tell me?"
"It’s a lot. I know we only talked about us moving in together in L.A., but there’s someone else who would also need to come with us." Shaun looked at him a moment in confusion. "It’s Cody. Jeanne is taking off with Alan to Oregon, and she’s leaving behind her son!" He shook his head in disbelief, and Shaun stopped, holding onto his arm.
"You’re fucking kidding me." Shaun paused, and put his hands on his hips. "Why does that not surprise me? It’s just Jeanne!" He pulled Zach over to the couch, and they both sat down. "So you’re saying that if you come with me, we’ll have Cody full-time, for at least a half year."
Zach nodded. "I know it’s not what you thought when you asked me to come with you."
Shaun pulled Zach into a hug, then kissed him, and held his face in his hands. "This is quite a big step. I love the kid, but wow." He took Zach’s hands in his, and they sat for a few minutes, just looking at each other.
"If you don’t want to take this on, I’ll understand." Zach’s mouth turned down, and he did his best to hold in the tears filling up in his eyes.
"When is Jeanne leaving town?"
"Today. I have to be at the house by 4:00 p.m."
Shaun chuckled. "You are asking for quite a bit."
"I know." Zach just waited for Shaun’s decision.
"When I came down here this summer, I wanted to get away and think. I never expected to see you again... to fall in love with you."
Zach looked up sharply, and the tears in his eyes spilled over, he couldn’t help it anymore. Shaun is telling me goodbye, he thought, there’s no way he’ll go for this.
"You know what this means, don’t you?" Shaun squeezed Zach’s hands between his own.
"What does this mean?"
"We’re gonna be a family, and you won’t be able to run off like you did before. Cody needs a stable home, as much as can be provided while Jeanne is off doing whatever in Oregon."
"You... you’re okay with this?" Zach’s mouth dropped open, and he could hardly believe it.
"Yeah, yeah, it’s not what I expected to find, but... it’s what I want too." Shaun smiled, kissing Zach again, and Zach grabbed him and held him so hard he could hardly breathe.
Zach buried his face in Shaun’s shoulder, and whispered, "I love you too."
"I know." Shaun unfolded himself from Zach, and led him upstairs, gently pulling him with him so they could reconnect, after the excruciatingly painful two weeks.
At 3:00 p.m., Zach and Shaun exited the mansion, holding hands. "I don’t know if it’s a good idea for me to be there when you see Jeanne. She may not like to see me there."
"I don’t give a shit what she wants. She’s leaving her son, so she can either accept us or she can stay!" Zach burst out.
Shaun nodded, liking this new and decisive man, so they walked over to his Volvo. Zach went to his car and grabbed the car seat, and Shaun helped him install it in the back seat. "Jeanne is going to flip, isn’t she?"
"Yep."
Two hours later, they were back at the mansion, with Cody in tow. Cody had been so happy to see Shaun, he had been glued to his side all evening. Jeanne had flipped out, but once Zach had given her the choice of he and Shaun, or staying in San Pedro, Jeanne had finally agreed to trust him with her boy. It had taken some convincing, but they had worked it out.
Gabe hung up the phone, laughing and shaking his head. Zach had called him to update him on his plans. He would never have believed it, but it was true. Zach had reconciled with Shaun, he was moving with him to L.A., he was going to attend Cal Arts, and Cody was going with them. He’d kidded with Zach about them becoming the family in the suburbs, with the pink picket fence, but he couldn’t be more happy for them if he’d tried. "Holy shit, Zach buddy, you’re on your way."
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Date: 2009-03-27 06:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-27 06:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-27 08:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-27 10:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-27 08:34 pm (UTC)As mentioned before, it's really believable. A perfect gapfiller!
Hope you write more in this fandom!
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Date: 2009-03-27 10:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-27 09:15 pm (UTC)You did a wonderful job, which made my job so much easier!!
So proud....
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Date: 2009-03-27 10:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-27 10:59 pm (UTC)Hugs XXX
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Date: 2009-03-27 11:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-28 03:09 am (UTC)Glad to see you posting here and looking forward to your next piece. Thanks for sharing!
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Date: 2010-06-27 05:05 pm (UTC)